Knowing and Unknowing
by XStrawberryDuckFeathersX
Summary: I have learned that, when we face harsh turns in our lives, we cannot always turn back- even if we travel to, not even the ends of the world, but the fragile edges of time itself, to try and do so. My response to NeoMiniTails's 'Life Can Make Cruel Turns' challenge over at the Reviews Lounge, Too- my first try at a fanfic challenge. Enjoy!


**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Steins;Gate or any of its characters. I do not own the cover image.**

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**Fandom:** Any.  
**Issuer of Challenge**: NeoMiniTails (Over at the Reviews Lounge, Too)  
**Your Mission, Should You Choose to Accept It:** _Life Can Make Cruel Turns_:  
_The story can be any length. The tone of the beginning of the story must be different from the ending; the change in tone must come in naturally and realistically. Such as, it can start off light and fluffy but end dark and angsty. In the story, one character must allude to the fact that life can change at any given moment and that's out of your control but it's how you handle the situation is what matters._

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It is painfully obvious to me that life can make cruel turns. Now I have learned that when we face some of those turns, we cannot always turn back. We cannot turn back even if we travel not even to the ends of the world, but to the fragile edges of time itself, to try and do so. Our tedious and complex work had amounted to very little. Yes, we had achieved the near-impossible feat of time travel. We had gained the ability to visit versions of the current world other than our own, but what advantages did it give us? The ability to leap from world line to world line to watch Mayuri die over and over? The ability to face the painful recurring image of Kurisu lying still in a puddle of her own blood? At first, I was excited. I was thrilled by the very mention of travelling through times past- and times to come, even…

I watch Mayuri as she sorts her collection of Upas, smiling and carefree and oblivious to the dark future ahead that maybe I could have prevented. Eventually, she will die an early and undeserved death- and perhaps I could have saved her, if I were fast enough. _If I were smart enough._ The promise I made her- a promise to protect her- I could have kept.I watch Kurisu as she talks with her, happy and amused by Mayuri's high spirits and childlike innocence. I chuckle to myself; oh, Mayuri is always so positive and friendly and _if only I could be like her. If only I could be blissfully unaware of what the future brings for them both… _and if we hadn't meddled with an aspect of the world completely out of our control- if we hadn't attempted to play God- _even though I saw myself as such previously, at times-_ it never would have happened. _If you weren't so wrapped up in your veil of overconfidence. _

As if I had enough to worry about, I was also going to die early- in the year 2025, to be exact.

It frightens me- both my knowing _and _unknowing- knowing that we will lose our lives, but not knowing _when_. As for myself, I find myself agitated. I watch as the clock ticks onwards. I watch as the civilians pass by- as time passes. It seems like it will all happen tomorrow, but I often forget that there is a sizeable stretch of time between now and then.

Mayuri and Kurisu catch my attention once again. I once again notice their happiness and the smiles on their faces, irrespective of the dark future that lay ahead of them. It was _now, _and they were making the most of it. I make my way over to them- engage in a discussion with them about whatever it was they were doing. I find myself smiling the way they are- enjoying the now, and not worrying about what later had in store. It was not what may happen in the future that I need to worry about; it is the way we handle our fates, and to handle it well we must disregard what has not yet arrived, and have to try our best to live life in the present.

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**Author Note: This one is based off of my previous S;G fics quite a bit- mostly _Replay __and _The Fraying Fabric of Time- but for me S;G fit the challenge perfectly and I want to try and improve my writing by using challenges. This is set in a bleaker AU where Okabe will never manage to save Kurisu and Mayuri and make it to the 'Steins;Gate' world line. Hope you enjoyed!**


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